What’s happening right now is really hard to write about. I rarely hit the delete button while writing but today I am on my third attempt to say something helpful. As I write I wonder how my words will be taken. Will they be twisted? Will they be misunderstood? Will they seem too simplistic? Trite? I think a lot of us don’t know what to do or say.
I feel a wave of tears, a breaking inside for humanity. We can be so cruel to one another. I’ve been there…I’ve been the one doing the hurting and I have been hurt. We have this amazing combination of love and hate inside each one of us. The propensity to create as well as destroy.
Somehow we have not annihilated ourselves. I hold on to the hope that this will be another step toward growth, healing and leaving behind a better place for future generations.
Are those around you starting to drive you bananas? When we are stuck together for awhile it tends to bring out the worst in others…and us. If you’re frustrated with another, you might not need to look very far to find the root of the problem. It might be you!
Shocking, huh? We are so quick to assign blame to others but often we are the culprit. Take a look at what’s going on in your relationships. Before you start to assume someone else needs to do the changing, take a look at what you might be doing, saying, not doing or not saying that is contributing.
You know the saying, it takes two to Tango? You’re on a relational dance floor and unless you are dealing with a person who has a personality disorder (which only accounts for about 10% of the population) you are likely engaging in as many steps or more than your dance partner. We don’t like that. We like to believe we’re right and the other person has serious problems. The flaw in this is you will then spend so much time looking at the other person’s faults you will completely miss your own.
People have ended relationships erroneously believing it was the other person’s fault. If they had just taken the time to do some serious self-reflecting and stop placing the all blame on the other, they might be in a healthy relationship and avoid repeating the same pattern again and again.
Next time you are in a disagreement, step back and find out what’s your part.
Deep down we all want to be seen. We want to know we matter, that who we are at our core, all messy and wonderful, is accepted. Do you have that experience at home, with family, with friends, at work, anywhere? For some, your answer is, “No where and with no one”. You keep who you are at the deepest levels hidden. It feels safer that way. But it has a price. It’s isolating and it’s limiting your capacity to do, to be, to excel.
I know something about both sides of this. I know what it is to hold my cards very close, not to let you see the real me. I also know the freeing experience of being seen, truly seen, at-the-core-of-who-I-am seen and it is a powerful place to be. I invite you to join me there. To surround yourself with people who see you, know you, and love you in the midst of the beauty and the mess. They also let you see them in their beauty and mess.
It’s in being seen and loved that we heal. The pain of our past is tenderly bandaged and we begin to move beyond the limits the injuries created. We find connection in our relationships and new found exhilaration in our work. We find our stride and bring to this planet more light and love and creativity. Our world desperately needs this…you desperately need this. Come join me and find it!
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Sometimes we must unravel so we can be properly knit back together, the way we were meant to be. Prior to going through therapy, I was generally an easy going person, at least on the outside. As a child I learned to appear “perfect” so others would like me. It wasn’t a sustainable approach and by my late 30’s I completely imploded, shattering the perfect image I unconsciously worked my whole life to maintain. When I embarked on my healing journey, I noticed I wasn’t so agreeable anymore. If someone offended me, I would speak up in a blundering hurtful way. I didn’t know how to have a productive, healthy voice. I was practicing skills I had not used before. In my “perfect” state I brushed away offenses, “No problem, I ‘m fine.” But I wasn’t. I was just shoving all that hurt deep inside for the sake of being liked. Practicing speaking up was hard at first, then it got easier and more productive.
Now, I’m noticing a new development. I don’t always desire to say anything. It takes more to offend me. I’m noticing that times when I used to be easily hurt I am now not so bothered. I’m not shoving the hurt away, it’s just not there. I have an increased capacity to stop and understand this other person is not likely trying to hurt me. That perhaps their sharp edges are unhealthy ways of protecting their tender parts and they don’t know another way yet to deal with that.
I am certainly not saying this like, “Oh, look at me! I’ve got it all together.” Oh heck no! Anyone close to me knows all to well that I still have work to do. I am not tooting my own horn but rather the horn of the power of dealing with your inner garbage. I’m noticing as I go through this healing journey a sense of becoming who I was meant to be. The me I thought I was supposed to be was a very messy and hurtful product. 39 years worth of knitting together was unravelled to begin anew. 15 years later I am still seeing the benefits of the journey. I have a long way to go. I am not fixed, just well into the process. I am so grateful we can change. I am grateful we can unravel and be reknit into the creation we were meant to be. Healing is possible. Wounds from the past do not have to dictate who we are forever.
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Come and join me on this wonderful Journey Forward!
Sometimes we forget that people are simply in need of being seen right where they are. When we meet a very tangible need, it can pave the way for a person to move forward. This is true for my daughter, Anna. She is still in Durham, NC almost four months since her lung transplant. Unfortunately she got an infection that put her in the hospital for five weeks from December 8 until January 12. She left the hospital weak and discouraged. What she has needed since then is listening and space to grieve the life she does not have. This has helped her gain motivation from within to get stronger emotionally and physically.
In Kenya, it means cleaning the wounds of a woman after an assault. The following is from a friend who is meeting the needs of the forgotten and outcast:
“We had the first aide kit out early this morning.
One of our Addiction Assistance members had been badly beaten.
Her tears mingled with ours as we cleaned her wounds…
She had returned to the bar looking for a man who would exchange sex for food for her children. They were hungry. She was beaten in the process.
Today she will start learning to roll paper beads so she can provide food with dignity!
All of our beadwork is providing a safe stepping stone out of addiction for people! As one heals and finds a job, we can invite another to join us!
If you’d like to help in a very practical way, please check out our Etsy shop!!”
Who is in your path today who needs a very basic need met? Perhaps it is a listening ear or the reminder they are seen and loved.
I believe we can take the dawn of a new day and apply it to every moment. Each fresh start brings another opportunity to do something better, change a behavior, or try again. Sometimes we need that reminder as we step into a new year with intentions to change something that we don’t like about ourselves, our job, our location…
Sometimes we get stuck thinking we must be perfect or don’t bother, but as Yoda says, “Failure, the teacher is.” We learn so much when we pick ourselves up and get back in to whatever it was we were trying to do differently. Add friends, supporters, and encouragers to the equation to create a beautiful mix of grace and connection that can exponentially increase our chances of creating true change.