Are there people in your life you wish knew what you were thinking so you didn’t have to tell them? You know, the annoying co-worker who talks incessantly while you are trying to get work done. You want him to be self-aware and know his behavior is not acceptable because you don’t want to have to be the one to tell him. Maybe you smile at him to his face and act interested in his monologue. He likely has no idea how you really feel or what you are thinking. You are sending a mixed message.
Being honest is so hard because it feels mean. So, instead of being honest we harbor resentments against people because we are afraid of their negative perception of us. We start to resent the person and this begins to eat at us. The resentment starts to fester and begins to leak out in passive-aggressive behavior: a nasty look, a yawn, not making eye contact. We don’t want to tell the person directly what is going on inside of us but somehow we accept these unkind acts to avoid being direct. This behavior doesn’t make sense.
The best action to take is to kindly tell the person what our experience is. With the annoying co-worker, tell him in a gentle tone that you need to get your work done and do not have time to listen to him. I cannot promise he won’t be hurt but he will likely stop talking and head back to his desk. He might not talk to you again, ever. He might send mixed or passive-aggressive messages to you. He might talk badly behind your back. Those are common responses that come from unhealthy places in him, not you. You did nothing hurtful or wrong by being honest.
We live in a culture that disagrees with my view. We live in a largely passive-aggressive, mixed-messages culture. I think we need to change this. Resentment does harm to our bodies and sucks out precious energy. Honesty brings freedom and you might just get your work done!