On Thursday I was casually enjoying coffee with a friend. My plan for the day was to take care of a few errands and then head up to Buffalo, WY to enjoy my Birthday and New
Year’s with family there. I got a text from my step-daughter that my granddaughter was super sick and it might be good to put our trip off by a day or two. Plans change. Within an hour, I got another call. This one was from a nurse breaking the news that my daughter, Anna needed to get on a plane and head to Duke Hospital ASAP. Anna had gone to the Dr. for a regular checkup. While there, they discovered her lung function had decreased significantly. After a conversation with her team at Duke it was determined she needed to be treated there. By 5:30p we were on a flight to Raleigh/Durham. After we arrived, Anna was immediately admitted to the hospital. We don’t know exactly what’s going on. The likely culprit is rejection, but we won’t know for sure for a few days.
When I first heard about this I just listened. My next step was to call my husband and let him know. As I talked to him the gravity of it all started to sink in and I started crying. I cried for Anna because she, her dad, stepmom, brother and sister were supposed to leave on Sunday for their first-ever cruise. Anna was extremely excited about it and to hear she couldn’t go left her crying so hard she couldn’t tell me, that’s why the nurse called me. I also cried because I feared the worst: irreversible rejection. That’s where I started sinking. Fearing the unknown.
While sitting on the airplane I realized I was future-tripping. My eyes felt hot and tired and I started crying again. Then it hit me, I have no idea what’s going on with Anna’s lungs. This could all be an over-reaction. It could be minor rejection. It could be devastating rejection where the only solution is another transplant. These are all “could-be’s” none are a reality any human is aware of at this point. So I stopped myself. I said I will deal with reality when I know it. For now, stay with what I know is true and real.
That is what I am doing: staying in the here and now. It’s very freeing. Every time the sneaky future-buggers start yipping about how this might happen or that might happen, I quickly quiet them down with, “There aren’t any answers right now.” It simply requires awareness and intentional thought. Simple, not always easy, but always freeing!